Good Ol' Fashioned The (Donut Pub)

Oh shit, it is October already. It has been forevertown since I last posted, but fret not sweater-monkeys, this second-rate food poet has returned. Today, I will tell you a tale about a friend of mine. Some people are addicted to alcohol, some people are addicted to drugs, some people are addicted to sniffing markers back in grade school when they had cherry scented white erase ones (oh lord the cherry ones were the best). My friend Tia, she is addicted to DP... by which I mean doughnuts... from Donut Pub. Being addicted to doughnuts is not so different from the other three - the debilitating reliance upon a substance to give you that thrill of 'feeling alive,' the constant reminder about how long it's been since the last time you used, and the withdrawal you go through when it's not there. It's all really the same. Now this post isn't me being judgmental of my friend's choices, actually the opposite, the first step to recovery is to admit that you yourself have a problem - well here it is: I too am addicted to DP. By which I mean Donut Pub.

I've been in CA for the past week - it has been eight days since I last used, and I am currently in withdrawal, feelbadman.jpg. You're probably wondering - "Why don't you just go to Dunkin' Donuts or something and eat some doughnuts?" With all due respect, eat a bag of dicks. How dare you compare Dunkin' Donuts, Tim Horton's, or any other chain doughnut restaurant with Donut Pub? How dare you. Sure NYC has Doughnut Plant (another kind of DP), which is pretty great in its own right, but kinda tries too hard, and also Peter Pan Bakery, which is assclown far out in Greenpoint - seriously, not going to wait on the G for that one, but none of them have the same OG goodness that Donut Pub possesses. Plain and simple, if you want old fashioned and cheap wads of fried dough smothered in sugar, then there's no other option than to go to Donut Pub. It is one of a kind, irreplaceable, a crutch in my day-to-day function.

Remember how I wouldn't shut the hell up about Donuts Plus (another DP? Is this some sort of fucked up joke I'm missing?) back in Philly? Well Donut Pub is like that and more. Also it's in Chelsea so I'm less likely to get mugged.



Like I said, simplicity is the name of the game here. Most places do a standard glazed doughnut, with a plain sugar coating. Donut Pub doesn't deviate far from that design, but their plain glazed doughnut is actually dipped in a combination of honey and syrup. The end result is the tits. A marvelous blend of pure sweetness with a subtle hint of honey that stays moist even hours later, the glaze is literally the perfect mate to the pillowy soft fried dough it's draped on. While people always praise how Krispy Kreme doughnuts yield to biting and melt in your mouth, Donut Pub hits that perfect consistency where the resilience of texture is balanced by the softness of the dough matrix. If it sounds like I'm getting a stiffy just by writing about this ring of pure sensuality - you'd be right. My pants are little bit tight now. Mostly due to the weight I've gained by shoving these in my mouth, but partially because I'm flavoroused right now.



"That's too plain" you say? You're 100% wrong, but I respect the fact that you're entitled to your own dumbass opinions. Well maybe the Boston Creme is more your thing. Same concept applies here - a simple implementation that doesn't deviate from the expected, but is done so well that you'll feel a certain kind of warmness when you bite into it. A certain kind of tranquility that everything around you is okay, along with a slightly accelerated and painful heartbeat. This doughnut will get your blood pressure up, for better or worse.



They don't really fuck around all stingy like most doughnut places do. More often than not, a Boston Creme doughnuts are incredibly sad creations - half-filled and on the brink of collapse. Not theirs. Built upon the same fantastically chewy dough platform, they do nothing more than a simple dip in honey syrup, a heavy-handed application of chocolate glaze, and a ridiculous piping of creme that would shame everyone in the porn industry. They stuff that shit with way too much creme, and top it with way too much chocolate glaze, but that's part of the appeal of Donut Pub.



"But I need my daily fill of fruit and junk so I don't get Scurvy!" This is actually a concern for some people I know. No worries, Donut Pub has you health nuts covered too. In the form of their oh-so-scintillating jelly doughnuts. Not that it really needs explaining, but this is the exact same doughnut shell, but this time stuffed to the point of explosion with grape jelly and then dusted with just enough powdered sugar to make it look like you have a cocaine addiction, to distract people from the shameful fact that you're actually addicted to something like doughnuts.



Remember the "Whitest Kids You Know" skit about the Grapist? Their jelly doughnut is just like that. It'll grape you in the mouth, and leave stains all over your shirt. And you'll like it. There's really nothing special about the jelly here, but when combined with the doughnut and with the glaze, something magical happens. The synergy of sweet upon sweet upon tart makes for a refreshing departure from their other offerings. I don't normally like fruits in my desserts, but when I do... it's at Donut Pub.

So now you know my shameful secret. I am addicted to this hole in the wall doughnut joint. I go there late at night so people don't see me buying a half-dozen at a time to eat in my office with tears of ecstasy and regret streaming down my face. It is both the greatest doughnut place I've found as well as my greatest weakness. My only hope is to drag all of you into this same situation so I'm less embarrassed at my reliance on fried rings and pockets of dough. Sighs all around.

tl;dr - I love DP. Which again - in this context is referring to Donut Pub. They don't make fancy pants doughnuts containing Foie Gras or anything, they just make doughnuts. Their doughnuts are the tits. It has ruined my life in ways I cannot describe.

The Donut Pub
203 West 14th Street, Manhattan, NY 10011
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Bacon, mac & cheese, and pancakes (Shopsin's)

The other day I came across this video - don't ask me how or why - of Evgeni Plushenko's exhibition performance from when he won the gold medal at the World Championships in Vancouver. For the women who have just watched that video, you're welcome. For the men, you are now probably gay. No, but seriously... what I actually took away from that performance is that when you're the best at what you do - you can do whatever the fuck you want and get away with it. And it will be good. Now the parallel I want to draw here is that, when it comes to food, Shopsin's is Evgeni Plushenko. Kenny Shopsin can basically do whatever the fuck he wants, and I will 99% likely be impressed.

Why do I say this? Because some assclowns take issue with way Shopsin's runs his joint - strict hours, specific policies about seating, and a generally curt attitude when it comes to ordering. Listen, if you're pimping out the most delicious of delicious dishes, then as far as I care... you can be as big a douche as you want to be to me. Good food is good food. I can respect talent regardless of personality. Dumbasses need to understand this.



I know what you're thinking. "The fuck is this shit? How can I get my hands on one?" Let me drop some truth on you. This is the "Mo'Betta." It is the illegitimate lovechild of two mac & cheese infused pancakes that are all moist and shit, crispy-ass thick-cut maple bacon, and a whole buttload of scrambled eggs that are buttery as fuck. Basically, it's like Viagra for your mouth, which sounds inappropriate, but it's okay... because it has all the parts of a balanced breakfast. Almost as if it were healthy, almost. This is a combination of things that I love with zero moderation built into it, and it is glorious. If you're thinking that you could probably assemble something similar at home... you'd be wrong. Usually I talk about things in which the final product exceeds the sum of the parts, but unlike those lame-ass Power Rangers - always getting their asses beat down when they're by themselves - with the Mo'Betta... that's simply not true.



Also this shit. "Blisters on my Sisters." Now, I'm not entirely clear on why the sister has blisters (I'm sure the back story is 100% fucked up), but it really doesn't matter once you shovel some of this junk in your mouth. It's the combination of a couple of fried eggs, cheddar cheese, rice, beans, greens, and corn tortilla underneath. Basically it's a breakfast burrito that's been spread out super slutty-like for everyone to look at. You can order it in a variety of levels of spicy, but unless you're itching for your asshole to burn, I'd keep it to a 7 or below. Not much to say that you probably can't deduce from the list of components, but I will add that this basically makes Chipotle burritos look straight dumb.



The pinnacle of Shopsin's skills might exist entirely in their ability to churn out rings of fried dough. To say their fresh doughnuts are dope would be an understatement. They are the tits of sugar doughnuts. They come out piping hot, and will burn your tongue with the sensation of a koala with chlamydia peeing. Sure, they only really make the one kind of super-traditional doughnut, but their execution is spot on. When it comes to a plain sugar doughnut, they can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. To make it this dish just slightly more sensual than it already is, they pair these bitches with a giant dish of freshly whipped cream. So fresh, it's like they milked the cow directly into my mouth. Fried dough + whipped cream = instant boner. Mad awkward in the middle of brunch. Not entirely unlike watching the Evgeni Plushenko video.

tl;dr - Shopsin's is a quaint little shop in Essex Market that makes weird combinations of breakfast/brunch type foods. Sometimes they might come off as assholes, but whatever... they can cook up some dope-ass food. You should go there, and be honored if they yell at you. To all the haters: go eat a dick.

Shopsin's
120 Essex St, New York, 10002
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PB&J Doughnuts (Doughnut Plant)

I'm a big proponent of people who take normal foods and make them unhealthier. That dude who decided to fry Oreos the first time round? Awesome. The first Chinese guy who decided to pan fry noodles instead of just boiling those bitches? Pioneer. Those bros on Epic Meal Time? Renaissance men. Whoever the fuck decided to sell fried sticks of butter at the Ohio state fair? My goddamn hero. Now, I think almost everyone has a soft spot in their heart for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - the old standby for when your parents didn't know what to make you for lunch. And possibly every meal... if they hated you. For some stupid reason or another... when I was a kid, I absolutely hated pb&j sandwiches, not because they tasted bad to me, but because... um, I thought they were too healthy. Yes that logic is idiotic. Sue me. Good thing Doughnut Plant (which my friends affectionately call 'DP') has taken care of that problem. While they're not really quite in the same league as those peeps I mentioned earlier, they're not doing so bad themselves.

By making a peanut butter glazed jelly doughnut, Doughnut Plant basically stripped away all the healthy shit from a pb&j sandwich. No more wheat bread and no more wack-ass crust. Instead of hearty wheat-filled nonsense, you get a surprisingly moist, yet fluffy, fried dough exterior... with the center pocket occupied by blackberry jelly. I paid $3+ for this. Me. Super frugal clench-my-buttcheeks-in-pain-when-spending-money me. I was smiling like an idiot from the first bite to the last. Take that how you will, but this shit is dope beyond recognition.



There was also some banana on pecan action going on in the form of their banana pecan cake doughnut. It's like banana bread... but dipped in sugar. Not that banana bread was ever really healthy, but I'm pretty sure anything dipped in a sugar glaze is worse for you. By my retarded logic, that = awesome. I'm not in love with their cake doughnuts - mostly because they look smaller than the yeast ones (i.e. a lesser value) - but that has nothing to do with taste. Honestly, this was pretty sick in terms of flavor and texture. Tastewise, it's basically as I described... a slice of banana bread with a heightened level of sweetness. From a texture standpoint, it has the consistency of a muffin with the moistness locked in by a saran wrap layer of liquid sugar... dotted with chopped up pecans. If that doesn't ridiculous to you... I'm sorry you're dead inside.

tl;dr - Foods that are bad for your health generally taste better. You can take something really average and make it incredible by doing little more than frying it and covering it with sugar. Doughnut Plant gets this. They make these two awesome flavors that are eerily reminiscent of normal foodstuffs simply by glazing them over. Good job... DP, twice the calories (probably), twice the pleasure.


Doughnut Plant‎
220 West 23rd Street, New York, NY 10011
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Ice cream, doughnuts, and éclairs (Frangelli's Bakery)

I figure I should probably write another post for old times' sake since the rapture is tomorrow, and I am 99% sure I won't be invited to party with Jesus wearing a tuxedo shirt. It's all going to be a moot point soon, but lately I've been paying a lot of attention to my weight. Why? Maybe it's because I'm a bit chunkier than I was just a year ago... and one of my greatest fears in life is getting super fat again. This is problematic since I want to eat pretty much everything (I think it's clear from most of my posts that I am not the picture-of-health when it comes to my dietary habits). Anyway, lately I've been rationalizing everything I eat as to whether or not I feel like the calories are worth the equivalent effort in burning them off, because... well, losing weight is hard. Sometimes that decision is really easy, for example I stopped eating at McDonald's and I no longer go to Dunkin Donuts for mediocre doughnuts. Sometimes that decision is super hard, for instance... an ice cream doughnut sandwich. I think I just blew an artery typing that. Is it worth it?

Absolutely. Imagine this - a freshly made powdered doughnut with a center formed by a network of miniature pockets of fluffy dough. Cut that shit in half while still warm and pillowy. Now shove in a block of ice cream over an inch in thickness (your choice of Neapolitan OR chocolate). Smoosh it back down. Tell me that isn't mind-blowing. It makes regular ice cream sandwiches look like embarrassing failures that shouldn't even be classified as "desserts" (not the It's-Its though). Take one bite and you'll experience the blissful union of fried dough, sugar, and cream. You'll also look like a crack addict, but who the hell cares. Your taste buds... they will be aroused. It is sensual. I promise.



Where might you get such a magical thing you might ask? In the deep South. Of Philadelphia I mean. Way way way past the Italian market at the intersection of 9th and West Ritner (why the hell would anyone go there?) is Frangelli's Bakery. They've been around since 1947. That's old as shit. Older than my parents. Ancient. They're your standard mom and pop bakery that does old-fashioned cakes, cookies, and pretty much anything that is a mixture of sugar and flour. They don't fuck around and try to put chocolate inside more chocolate topped with more chocolate... and that's fine, because they do what they do well. No-frills baked goods. Except sometimes they put ice cream inside, and that's fine by me too.



They'd be a pretty shitty bakery if they only did one thing well (but I'd still go). GOOD THING IT'S NOT! Their other doughnuts are pretty bangin' too. Bam, raspberry filled jelly doughnut. Their stuff's all made on premises, so that raspberry jam you see spilling out? Yep... pumped in on the spot. The doughnut itself is pretty much the same as the one they use for the ice cream sandwich, so there's nothing bad about that part of the construction. The only downside with this one is that, once again, you'll look like a drug addict after eating it. Powdered sugar goes everywhere. Who cares? Judge away. It's delicious.



And some plain glazed action yo. The standard by which all doughnuts should be judged. Theirs was... okay? It might've been because I had already eaten a buttload of fried dough by the time I popped this in my mouth, but it was borderline too sweet. There's absolutely nothing disappointing about the way they fry their dough, this one possesses the exact same chewy and airy framework as its powdered cousins, but the glaze was just a tad heavy for my tastes. Maybe another day and paired with a cup of coffee it'd be fine, so I'll reserve judgment for later. It was passable.



I also ate éclairs. In case you haven't figured out my stance on food restricted dieting (it's stupid), this should cement it. Frangelli's éclairs are... quaint. I don't really eat éclairs that often, unless you count the crappy Entenmann's kind, so I don't really have any metric for comparison, but I was down with theirs. The choice in glaze really makes no difference, you really can't taste the chocolate or vanilla on top, so the overall flavor profile is pretty neutral. It just kind of tastes like sweet bread to be honest. The cream though, that part's pretty fun. Instead of a fluid mass of whipped heavy cream, theirs has the consistency of a viscous marshmallow. You can squeeze it out like toothpaste (sounds appetizing right?), but it has a certain chewy resilience that I don't normally associate with the word "cream." Texturally, it's awesome. As for the taste... I'm kind of indifferent.

As for the rapture tomorrow... am I bummed I can't party hard with Jesus and his bros? Not really. While the idea a bro icing the son of god is pretty funny to me, I think I'll just make a trip to Frangelli's to get a doughnut. That's a decent consolation prize for not having my soul saved.

Late game edit: Someone just told me how the rapture works and apparently Jesus stays and parties with the heathens. This evidently makes my post not make sense. I don't care, I'm not really religious.
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Gettin' diabetes at SE:HQ (Doughnut Edition)

Mmm, DP in the morning, DP for lunch, and DP after work... that is the life for me. Fellow food bro Danny got it right when he conceded that doughnuts are the most sensual thing since Betty White starred in "Golden Girls." Move the fuck over cupcakes... doughnuts are here, queer, and you should get used to it. Wait, that's not 100% what I meant... but the concept is the same. Doughnuts are finally getting their moment in the spotlight and they have staying power. End of discussion. Serious Eats, aside from graciously financing my accelerated death, is always on the edge of revolutions in dessert, so they held (yet again) a taste test of the best doughnuts in NYC. Seeing as how I have nothing better to do with my free time, I dropped in to be the best freeloader I could.



Oh yes, this happened. Basically, a list of places was constructed (not including sit down restaurants of course), and doughnuts from the all five boroughs were assembled. Sort of like a UN of doughnuts, or a Justice League of doughnuts, except less useless and way more delicious... zing! There might've been discussion going on about things like texture and flavors or whatever, but I was kind of just eating things when they appeared in front of me. Sorry I can't really offer more insight on what goes on at SE:HQ, I was too mesmerized by the sugar.



Oh hai Robyn! Yeah, unsurprisingly I wasn't allowed to just walk in to the office and eat stuff. I had to wait for photographs of everything to be taken. I got suckered into plate cleaning and doughnut piling duties (which I was more than fine with since I got out of the instant oatmeal taste test).

Now onto the doughnuts...!



This was not a doughnut. But it was on the table. So I ate it. I was actually the only person eating it, which is embarrassing considering the fact that nearly 1/4 of it disappeared before the actual doughnut tasting began. When I showed up the next day, it was still there... I ate some more. It was still good. It's really just a giant raspberry danish 10" across that's super flaky on the outside, intimately moist on the inside, and in general... delightfully fruity. I have no clue where it's from, so if someone can point me to where this fantastically over-sized danish is from, you'll be my friend FOREVER. Thanks.



Doughnut holes from dough. Admittedly, I remember nothing about them, but the SE people seemed to be smitten. I can confirm that I put them in my mouth at some point, so I must've been down with how they tasted. Honestly, it's fried dough coated in sugar. It was going to taste good from the onset.



Then came more doughnut holes... this time from Donut Pub. These were denser, chewier, and all in all heftier (much like Brawny vs. generic paper towels). They were memorable indeed. I did get to try every single one of the varieties, but after a while it they all kind of tasted similar i.e. sweet. The texture was nice though, and the moistness was definitely appreciated.



Oh shit! Surprise... more doughnut holes. These were from Panya. Again... fried dough + sugar = good to me. Other people didn't seem to like them, and yeah... they had a bit of a weird aftertaste. The texture was cool though, I think they might've been infused with mochi so they were definitely chewier. I guess the Asian idea of "QQ" is applicable. Maybe the mochi accounted for the weirdness in flavor, but honestly I don't know.



No clue where these were from either. I just didn't want people to think that I spent the day poppin' doughnut holes in my mouth. I did more than my fair share of hard work aside from that... using my front teeth eating ring shaped doughnuts, jelly filled doughnuts, and even poop shaped doughnuts...



I bet Panya thought it would be cool to make a mochi doughnut in the shape of a twist. Slight oversight on their part - people who eat doughnuts are often immature. Can you honestly tell me that thing doesn't look like a Japanese cartoon poop? Just the general shape of it. Anyway, looking like a swirl of shit was no deterrent for me, I gladly ate it. While it is definitely not good by any means, it is for sure the most delicious poop-shaped object I've ever eaten. That's pretty damn good in my book.



I was responsible for bringing bombolinis from Sullivan Street Bakery. Holy shit these things are expensive. Like $3.25 for a small puff that lasts all of three bites. Two if you're a honking fatass like me. I know on the SE slideshow they had a tie for the "battle of the bombolinis," but that's absolute horse crap. Falai's are lighter, more subtle, and all in all... more sexual overall. Know why I don't have pictures of those? Because I was too busy eating them to care about pictures. Anyway, this isn't really a good comprehensive list of doughnuts, or anything really, I just really like eating doughnuts.

As for the aftermath? When I got back to where I was staying, I basically plopped myself down on the bed... then I curled up in a ball. That sugar high nonsense? Yeah, way past that. I didn't want to do anything, I entirely frozen by the charms of glazed sugars, jelly fillings, and fried dough. The thing that really sucks is that I don't distinctly remember that much about any of the doughnuts. Shiz, I knew which ones tasted good (basically all of them), but their nuances were lost on me. Apparently shoving bite after bite of fried dough from different places with little time separating each bite is not good for taste testing. Moral of this post? Doughnuts are delicious, photographing sugary delights is hard, being a food writer is even harder yo. People might just think that I just snap some pictures, eat some food, then write about it... well let me tell you something. That's pretty much it, but it's still more difficult than you'd think, but yeah... go eat doughnuts. They're good?
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The true value of a doughnut (Doughnut Plant)

In case I you haven't heard the news (you NEVER listen to me *cries*), I'll be working for Google next year. This is awesome to me for several reasons: Duh, winning... it's Google, I never have to pay for food ever (ice cream sandwiches - all.day.long), I get to move back to NYC where 99% of my friends are, and as icing on the cake, the office is just a few blocks away from the new Doughnut Plant location, the happiest place on earth not filled with pedophiles dressed in mouse costumes. But wait, this doesn't make sense. "Aren't you a champion of mid-quality and questionably low priced food products" you say? Why certainly. I love my Wawa's doughnuts with a fiery passion that burns like gonorrhea, and yes... I can buy half a dozen doughnuts there for little more than the price of a single creme brulee doughnut from "the plant," but it's just not the same. Doughnut plant makes doughnuts that break my value function in ways I can't explain.

But I'll try anyway! Dunkin' Donuts and Wawa both sell doughnuts by the half-dozen for $3.99 on a fairly consistent basis. That's six generic doughnuts at a cost of roughly 67 cents each. I have a fairly sizable appetite and that proves to be a pretty decent meal. My utility curve probably peaks at around the third one, flattens by the fourth, starts going down at five, and is borderline regrettable at six. Now the alternative is say... a place like Donuts Plus, where the curve broadens and only starts diminishing at the sixth doughnut (based on quality). But doughnut plant is like crack. After the first doughnut at $2.25-3.00 my pleasure vs. cost ratio actually gets steeper. I MUST HAVE MOAR. So I buy another one... and curiously enough, I feel the need to consume more. In the case of Doughnut Plant, my pleasure never plateaus, I'm simply limited by the amount of cash in my wallet or vacant real estate in my stomach. While I do end up spending upwards of $10 on four doughnuts, my mind doesn't think of it that way. Pleasure to cost ratio is basically asymptotic. While I would never spend more than 75 cents on a doughnut from DD or Wawa, I would spend ungodly amounts at Doughnut Plant.



Last time I went was actually around Chinese New Year w/Robyn and Tia (to give you an idea of how slow I am at blogging), hence the existence of the crystallized ginger doughnut on the menu. I guess they were trying to attract Asian people to the store, but it kind of failed (except for us). Most of them were several blocks West at the parade.



Also the standard menu in case you've never seen it. I know... doughnuts should not cost $1.50 per bite (as is the case with the creme brulee one), but if a poor cheapskate idiot like me is willing to pay that, then you know you probably should pony up too.



I am Chinese. I am obligated to get the Asian doughnut. Despite my aversion to ALL THINGS GINGER, this wasn't bad, but it was pretty forgettable. It really is just a standard glazed doughnut that has a coating of ginger syrup and specks of candied ginger instead of the traditional glaze. Like I said, it was okay, but I'm glad it's not on the regular menu wasting oven space that could be reserved for shit like...



The blackout cake doughnut. Imagine a super dense chocolate cake doughnut thats glazed with chocolate, sprinkled with chocolate crumbs, and filled with chocolate cream. It's the most sensual ring of dough I'll ever insert into my mouth. Truth. What's weird is that I didn't used to like it. I thought it was too chocolate-y if that makes sense. This time it was spot on. A slight bitterness from the cake balanced by a smooth sweetness from the cream led to a nice evenness to the flavor, while simultaneously providing three differing layers of texture from outside to center. It's like layers of happiness made with chocolate.



Fucking $3 doughnut. It is all of two bites. I actually split this with Tia, which was an awful idea since, well... it is all of two bites. I assure you that those brief moments of chewing are of pure ecstasy. From crunching through the thin outer crust of sugar all the way through to the delicate and cream filled center, the entirety of the cross-section is pleasing in one way or another. Do I feel bad that I basically shoveled a dollar bill and two quarters in my mouth? Yeah, a little bit. Is there buyer's remorse? Not at all! The creme brulee doughnut is the bees knees when it comes to the selection. It is hedonism at its finest.

There's not really much left for me to say about how awesome doughnut plant is that isn't already obvious. Basically, their doughnuts are fantastic and worth every penny. Even to a poor graduate student like myself. I think everyone should go there and get fat?

Oh, and this is a note to all my female friends... ladies, please stop referring to Doughnut Plant as DP (I know they do, but I swear they're trolling everyone). I am insanely childish, and while I know what you're talking about, there is a very inappropriate second abbreviation that should never be associated with baked goods.
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Old-fashioned doughnuts at Donuts Plus

I know that most people are all about the cupcake. It's compact, it's portable, it's topped with frosting... I can see the appeal. Cupcakes are downright sexy... but you know what? They give it away up front. I mean, frosting on top? Too easy. Now that the fad has died down (not really), apparently people are moving onto pies? I mean, I like pies. Buttery pastry crust, filled with fruit and syrup, that's something I could totally get behind (cue that's what she said jokes). But you know what? My heart can't be swayed by sultry things like gianduja frosting or peach cobbler filling. Like Homer Simpson... I'm a doughnut man through and through.

I know that I'll never find a fancy pants doughnut place like Doughnut Plant in Philadelphia, but surely there exists something better than the second-rate doughnuts that DD and Wawa serve up, right? Enter Donuts Plus.



Donuts Plus (or maybe it's called Donuts Plus Plus as their neon sign seems to indicate) is an old fashioned doughnut shop. They don't try to fuck around and make weird flavor combinations. They just do all the traditional ones as best they can (which is pretty damn well). Located on 43rd and Chestnut... it isn't in an area I would use the word 'quaint' to describe. It's not hardcore scary, but let's just say this... more than a few of the apartments have steel bars on their windows. I occasionally get public safety notices about shootings and robberies near 40th, but let's be honest... to a fat kid, not having doughnuts is probably worth than getting shot. Truth.



Another thing they kick DD's ass on? Pricing. Individual doughnuts are $.60, a half-dozen is $3.25, and a dozen'll run you less than $6. If I were completely broke and trying to maximize my caloric value per dollar, outside of eating sticks of butter, this place is pretty much your best bet. Oh and their doughnuts are fantastically good if I haven't made it abundantly clear yet.



Their jelly filled doughnut is... conventional. It's no more than a fried pocket of dough, dipped in sugar glaze, then pumped full of jelly. The dough is neither too porous, nor too doughy, the glaze is neither too sweet, nor too subtle (it's like Goldilocks... except with doughnuts), and the jelly is... well it doesn't taste like artificial sweetener like DD's does. Like I said, it doesn't try to be more than it should be, and the end result is exactly what you'd hope for.



And they're not too stingy on the jelly. For some reason, some places are entirely incapable of pumping filling. It either ends up all on one side, or it comes spilling out the inlet. Luckily, Donuts Plus isn't plagued with idiocy. The result is a doughnut that has filling from end to end.



Of course my bag included a Boston cream doughnut. I can't really resist chocolate covered pastries, let alone ones filled with cream. Basically I like Boston cream doughnuts and eclairs. Anyway, all the descriptors of the jelly doughnut are applicable here too. The dough was appropriately dense, the chocolate glaze wasn't overwhelming, and the cream was rich and... uh, creamy.



Clean your pants people. You just got creamed. The dough tiptoes the fine line between porosity and cake-like, with just enough pockets of air to keep it soft, but still chewy. The glaze was deep in chocolate flavor, enough to penetrate the smoothness of the Boston cream. Basically... a decent take on a classic. Nothing mind boggling, but good enough for me to sing its praises.



But this is the real reason why you should go to Donuts Plus. It's the star of the show, enough to make you wonder why the hell you didn't just get a dozen of these bad boys. Their French cruller is a cruller that puts other crullers to shame. It's like the Kevin Durant of crullers, it's just not even fair. I would describe it as light, but that would be selling it short, as it's far more dense than you'd expect. The body is comprised of a perfect matrix of fibers... with each bite, you play a game of tug-of-war, sheering away a single mouthful of dough that has an ever so subtle sweetness. The outer glaze is just a thin layer of sugar coating. Even at room temperature, it has both crispy and soft characteristics. It makes no scientific sense, and it blows my mind. If I could marry a fucking doughnut, I would, and I would be faithful.

I know what you're thinking... "holy Batman that's disgusting! You ate a half-dozen donuts by yourself for breakfast?" Sadly no... I do care about my health a little. I gave one away to a friend, so really I only had five. Do yourself a favor though... go and try them. Save the cruller for last. You'll be hooked. I promise.
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When doughnuts and burgers collide (PYT Philly)

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of visiting PYT Philly for Serious Eats (which is very serious business). Long story short, it's an awesome lounge/burger joint that serves up a fantastically good plain cheeseburger. In any case, you know the drill, if you want to read an actual review of their normal burgers from a non-demented perspective, hop on over to AHT to read my post there. But if your preferred method of death is slow and delicious, by means of clogged arteries, feel free to stick around here, since I wanted to talk a little bit more about their Krispy Kreme and pretzel cheesesteak burgers.

After multiple encounters with burgers with doughnuts as buns (see here and here), I would consider myself some sort of pseudo-expert on the subject matter, especially since I'm probably one of the few people idiotic enough to eat them repeatedly (and actually write about it). Now how was PYT's take on the Luther Burger?



Overwhelming would be an understatement. They start with a plain glazed Krispy Kreme donut (the traditionalist bun of choice for doughnut burger enthusiasts EVERYWHERE), but that's where the formula starts getting fucked up. Instead of a single patty, they double the amount of pain/pleasure by double-stacking twin 4-ounce patties all up in there. Then they finish off this abomination with a generously thick slice of melted cheese and some bacon (Luther burger requirements = met). But wait... you see that brown goop in the middle? That's melted chocolate. Why is there melted chocolate? Because the brain trust at PYT made an executive decision to use chocolate covered bacon. Looking at all the components that go into the burger, my mind is thinking... donuts are awesome, burger patties are awesome (x2 no less!), cheese is awesome, and chocolate covered bacon is awesome. The sum of parts must be even greater than... *counts the number of times I said awesome* 5x awesome.

Then I took a bite... and my brain shutdown. It's not that it tasted bad or anything, but unless your body runs on pure sugar and fat (like a fighter jet running on 100% trans-fats or... something bad?), then more than 2 or 3 bites will probably make you want to throw in the towel. In my opinion, it was definitely a worthwhile experiment, but not something I'd order seriously... repeatedly. Okay, maybe twice.



They also do one of these thingers. Which is basically the child of a pretzel and a cheesesteak, who gets put up for adoption, and then gets adopted by a family of burgers. Awkward turtle. It's everything you'd expect, a soft, yet thick and chewy pretzel housing a thick and juicy burger patty, chopped steak, and a delicately blend of cheese wiz and cheddar. I liked it more than enough, and I'd probably give it another go when I next visit PYT. I said it might be too much sandwich for some in my AHT review... but really, it's just right amount if you're a fat ass like myself. No shame.



I won't bother saying much about this, since I already sang it's praises to no end on Serious Eats, but yeah... it's basically the shit. One of the top burgers I've ever had in my life. That's a lot of burgers.
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