Ben's Chili Bowl (more food that looks like poo)

Last April, I had a chance to visit DC on a business trip (how's that for backlogged!) and instead of focusing on what I was supposed to actually accomplish for work, my mind drifted instead to what I wanted to eat. The only thing that actually came to mind was Ben's Chili Bowl, a joint made famous by President Obama for something called the "half smoke." While I never really expect any hot dog to transcend all culinary achievement, I was definitely intrigued when I saw Danny's photo of it - noting that it looks like a poo covered hot dog. Going by my faithful doctrine, that meant one thing: it had to be good. Also I'm a huge fan of processed meat and chili, so there really wasn't much that could go wrong here. Plus, look at that line! While that would normally be a deterrent in Chinatown, for non-Asian cuisine? That many people crowding a single establishment gives me a food-stiffy. What glory does this pseudo-shit covered meat amalgam hide? Is it as wonderful as our dear leader say it is?

That shit is so cash.



That said, I'm also the type of guy who's okay with NYC hot dog carts (not with the price, but with the taste), questionable street meat, and weird deli sandwiches - so take whatever I say about the half smoke with a grain of salt, but shit... they've got their chili and hot dog knowledge down. Sure, NYC has Crif Dog, which for all intents and purposes is 'okay,' and we have Japadog, which I think is insanely overpriced for what it is, but is still good, but whoever Ben is... he basically shits on them when it comes to dog tech.



THIS IS 'MERICUH. Look at this All-American meal - an order of a half smoke, a giant bowl of perfectly golden fries, and a huge-ass chocolate shake. I'd be unpatriotic if I didn't eat it all. And you know what? It was wonderful. Surrounded by freedom, I hugged my arteries with the love of thousands of calories. The delicious sweetness of hearty chili, whose consistency was halfway between lentil and meat, combined with a saltiness unmistakably associated with heavily processed meats bundled oh-so-tight in a snappy casing overwhelmed my tasted buds with flavor (and my heart with imminent pain). Past that... it was inevitable, Ben's half smoke would surely deliver freedom to my bowels in a way that hasn't been seen since we signed the Declaration of Independence. Just kidding, it wasn't that monumental, but it was damn good. At the end of the day, it's just a hot dog covered with chili, but me saying that alone should be good enough. Both those things are fucking fantastic and should need no further endorsement.

tl;dr - I found more food that looks like poo, this time it's a chili dog that some dude named Obama fucking loves. It tastes like Freedom, and will likely liberate your asshole the next day.

Ben's Chili Bowl
1213 U Street Northwest, Washington, DC 20009
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When mediocrity is okay (Schnipper's Quality Kitchen)

It finally happened. My coworkers found my blog. Not just my coworkers... managers, my manager's manager, my manager's manager's manager. Imagine how confused I was when one of them strolled up behind my desk and brought up the fact that I basically told him to "go eat a dick." Let me tell you, very. Scared, confused, aroused, all of the above. Once I realized I couldn't backpedal fast enough to claim that some other Asian guy working at Google in NYC wrote this idiotic piece of work (why the fuck did I put my picture on here?) - and finally accepted the fact that people could now read intimate and oddly specific embarrassing details about my life + that I now inevitably have to switch teams - I found myself thinking "shit son, if only my blog was a mediocre piece of crap, no one would ever find it. If only..."* Hey, that's just like Schnipper's Quality Kitchen! Despite the name, it's not nearly as dope as they'd want you to believe. They make an assload of different things - from burgers to hot dogs to mac and cheese. I wouldn't say any of them give me uncomfortable erections, but it's okay - because when it's a dish like mac and cheese with sloppy joe filling and a side of maple syrup dipping sauce? Well fuck it, it doesn't have to be good.



Look at all that cheese, ground up meats of questionable origins, and other quality shiz. Also breadcrumbs. Bitches love breadcrumb topping. I can't think of many things that make me more excited than a sauce on noodles with meat. Okay, so maybe that's a really low barrier to things that get me excited - but Schnipper's does a decent job with this dish. The mac and cheese is certainly better than what you would get out of a box of Easy Mac, but probably falls short of the fancier ish you might get at S'Mac. Average is average is average, but when you pair a cheesy confection of carbs with a heaping serving of sloppy joe, you can't qualify things simply by how good the components are - the combination of transcends simple addition. If you can, ask for some maple syrup dipping sauce (they have it for their sweet potato fries) to pour over this shit. Savory sweet tones of beef and Canada yo.



They also make some bullshit burger. It looks great, but calm your tits. I'm just a really good photographer (haha, sorry - I'm making a lot of asinine statements tonight). I wouldn't get it, but hey... if you're drunk and you want a burger, it's probably okay. I can't really think of anything good to say about it. It's slightly better than McDonald's I guess, but I'd also rather get two Big Macs of debatable quality. At this level, it's all about value, and McDonald's probably wins.



Dope ass sweet potato fries. Every single time I'm given the option between regular fries and sweet potato fries, I default to the latter. I feel like it's healthier for some reason. Then they give you maple syrup dipping sauce and the illusion is busted. Schnipper's sweet potato fries certainly don't scream quality - they're probably no better than you're standard bar fries - but the theme remains true, pair them with some stupid-ass dipping sauce and all of a sudden these crispy and hot sticks of mediocrity morph into something magically acceptable. Would I beat up 20 midgets to get a cup of them? Maybe. Is that a scenario I see playing out in my head? Definitely. Will it ever happen in real life? Probably not.

tl;dr - I made my blog too awesome and my coworkers found it. I should be ashamed, but I am surprisingly not. My career ceiling has been effectively set by them knowing I'm actually an idiot though. Should've been more mediocre... like Schnipper's. They make pretty good mac and cheese + sloppy joe filling. Ask for maple syrup dipping sauce regardless of what you order. Slather that shit on everything. Rub it on your clothing, it doubles as cologne.

Schnipper's Quality Kitchen
620 8th Avenue, New York, NY 10018

*disclaimer: I don't actually think this. I really just needed a way to segue into describing Schnipper's...
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Bacon, mac & cheese, and pancakes (Shopsin's)

The other day I came across this video - don't ask me how or why - of Evgeni Plushenko's exhibition performance from when he won the gold medal at the World Championships in Vancouver. For the women who have just watched that video, you're welcome. For the men, you are now probably gay. No, but seriously... what I actually took away from that performance is that when you're the best at what you do - you can do whatever the fuck you want and get away with it. And it will be good. Now the parallel I want to draw here is that, when it comes to food, Shopsin's is Evgeni Plushenko. Kenny Shopsin can basically do whatever the fuck he wants, and I will 99% likely be impressed.

Why do I say this? Because some assclowns take issue with way Shopsin's runs his joint - strict hours, specific policies about seating, and a generally curt attitude when it comes to ordering. Listen, if you're pimping out the most delicious of delicious dishes, then as far as I care... you can be as big a douche as you want to be to me. Good food is good food. I can respect talent regardless of personality. Dumbasses need to understand this.



I know what you're thinking. "The fuck is this shit? How can I get my hands on one?" Let me drop some truth on you. This is the "Mo'Betta." It is the illegitimate lovechild of two mac & cheese infused pancakes that are all moist and shit, crispy-ass thick-cut maple bacon, and a whole buttload of scrambled eggs that are buttery as fuck. Basically, it's like Viagra for your mouth, which sounds inappropriate, but it's okay... because it has all the parts of a balanced breakfast. Almost as if it were healthy, almost. This is a combination of things that I love with zero moderation built into it, and it is glorious. If you're thinking that you could probably assemble something similar at home... you'd be wrong. Usually I talk about things in which the final product exceeds the sum of the parts, but unlike those lame-ass Power Rangers - always getting their asses beat down when they're by themselves - with the Mo'Betta... that's simply not true.



Also this shit. "Blisters on my Sisters." Now, I'm not entirely clear on why the sister has blisters (I'm sure the back story is 100% fucked up), but it really doesn't matter once you shovel some of this junk in your mouth. It's the combination of a couple of fried eggs, cheddar cheese, rice, beans, greens, and corn tortilla underneath. Basically it's a breakfast burrito that's been spread out super slutty-like for everyone to look at. You can order it in a variety of levels of spicy, but unless you're itching for your asshole to burn, I'd keep it to a 7 or below. Not much to say that you probably can't deduce from the list of components, but I will add that this basically makes Chipotle burritos look straight dumb.



The pinnacle of Shopsin's skills might exist entirely in their ability to churn out rings of fried dough. To say their fresh doughnuts are dope would be an understatement. They are the tits of sugar doughnuts. They come out piping hot, and will burn your tongue with the sensation of a koala with chlamydia peeing. Sure, they only really make the one kind of super-traditional doughnut, but their execution is spot on. When it comes to a plain sugar doughnut, they can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. To make it this dish just slightly more sensual than it already is, they pair these bitches with a giant dish of freshly whipped cream. So fresh, it's like they milked the cow directly into my mouth. Fried dough + whipped cream = instant boner. Mad awkward in the middle of brunch. Not entirely unlike watching the Evgeni Plushenko video.

tl;dr - Shopsin's is a quaint little shop in Essex Market that makes weird combinations of breakfast/brunch type foods. Sometimes they might come off as assholes, but whatever... they can cook up some dope-ass food. You should go there, and be honored if they yell at you. To all the haters: go eat a dick.

Shopsin's
120 Essex St, New York, 10002
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Fried chicken and catfish (Pies'n'Thighs)

I've been giving a lot of thought as to where I want to live in NYC next year. Obviously my salary puts a big constraint on what's possible... obviously I can't afford to solo a studio in Chelsea, I probably can't manage a room on the Upper East Side, and I certainly can't find an affordable place near Union Square. Outside of financial considerations, second in my list of criteria is probably food. I know this doesn't make sense, but nope... I don't really care about my personal safety so long as there's something good to eat near my house. So yeah, lately I've been squinting my eyes super hard thinking about foods I like to eat... things like hand-pulled noodles (Chinatown), Japanese Curry (Hell's Kitchen), doughnuts (Greenpoint), and things that are, in general, fried. Which brings us to a post on "why Nicholas wants to move to Williamsburg." Three words... sort of... Pies'n'Thighs.

Someone pointed out that their name sounds like a bakery run by strippers. This is true, and unfortunately for middle-aged perverted men everywhere, that is not the case. Pies'n'Thighs is just your friendly neighborhood eatery specializing in Southern comfort food in the form of fried chicken (and other fried things) and pies. Two of my most favorite things conveniently located in a single shop... +2 for points on moving to Williamsburg. When Robyn and Melissa asked if I had ever been, I secretly squealed like a schoolgirl, but calmly replied that I had not and would love to.



If it's not obvious yet, they're really good at making fried chicken. Super crispy skin, nice juicy white meat, all-around solid flavor profile. Their catfish might be even better though. I usually abstain from eating stuff that comes from the water (I prefer not scratching myself to death)... but their fried catfish was crazy good. With just a light coating of breadcrumbs, the catfish was remarkably tender and juicy... pulling apart with just light prodding from a knife. The flavor is kind of nondescript, but when paired with tartar sauce... this shit was spot-on. And it also came with cornbread. It is an impossibility to screw up cornbread, so that was awesome too. Another +1 for living in Williamsburg?



There's something called a "chicken biscuit" on their menu. It is $5.50. Not knowing what exactly it was... curiosity definitely played a role in it getting ordered. It's basically their standard biscuit - warm, flaky, buttery, and happiness in pastry form - sandwiching a fried chicken cutlet drizzled with honey butter and hot sauce. Is it good? Fuck yeah it is. Is it worth $5.50? It's small as hell... so probably not. Whatever. I'd eat it again if it were free... if that means anything to you.



Since the store name has "pies" in it, they must be good at making pies. Fact. Even after being warned by Robyn that their pies probably weren't anything special, I was still adequately aroused by the idea of eating pies and fried chicken in one place. When I looked at the dessert specials menu, I was torn between the struffoli (it's dough... FRIED!) or the coffee ice cream pie. Tough decision. More fried stuff or an ice cream pie?



We got the coffee ice cream pie. Buyer's remorse for me. I realized it was really just coffee ice cream in an Oreo crust (which probably should've been completely obvious to me from the name). Not that it's not great and all - it tasted good - it's just that fried dough covered in honey and sprinkles seemed way more baller after ordering.

Unfortunately for me, Williamsburg is also the hipster HQ of NYC. You know who I'm talking about... wearing their tight jeans and Converses. They'll probably make fun of me for riding a bike with multiple speeds/brakes! So despite the all the pros that come from the kick ass food at Pies'n'Thighs, it's all negated by privileged rich kids who like pretending they're poor, enjoy wearing goofy clothing, and listen to crappy music. Fuck. Guess I gotta keep looking.

Now for a serious question... is it dumb that I'm choosing my home based on proximity to food?
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Ox tails, why are they so delicious? (Denise's Soul Food Truck)

Sorry to all my Hindu readers (if there are any), but to me, this pretty much explains why cows were put on earth. Oxen tails... they are good eatin'. I also want to apologize to anyone who actually listened to me and went to Gigi's for their ox tail platter... I'm sorry. I mean, everything I wrote there is still mostly true. The jerk chicken is spicy beyond all belief, the mac and cheese is pretty damn good when drizzled with hot sauce, but let me retract one thing... the ox tail platter there isn't phenomenal. When compared with the platter at Denise's, it seems downright pedestrian.

I had written that Gigi's interpretation wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I had dreams of tender beef that would peel off without much effort, but was greeted with chunks of beef joined by connective tissue. Well in Denise's platter, the beef is spot on with my original expectations. The meat comes off with some light prodding using a crappy plastic fork. The connective tissue is still fantastically springy and... connective? Hrm, I fail at describing this... maybe a picture will help!



So tender... so soft... so intertwined with fat! Forreals, the flavor of the ox tail here is head and shoulders above that at Gigi's. With just the perfect amount of seasoning, the taste didn't overpower the textural delicacies. What do I mean by that? Normally, my mind (as simple as it is) can only focus on one thing at once, either how something tastes, or if the texture of something appeals to me. In this case, it was like I almost forgot I was eating. The magical substance in my mouth melted into a symphony of brilliant deliciousness. I wasn't concerned with how it felt, and I wasn't concerned with how it tasted, I just knew that it was awesome... and I was having it. I bet I had a creepy-ass smile on my face when I was eating it.



Now despite the sheer awesomeness of the food, I still tend to think with my wallet. At $9 for the 'small' platter (has anyone ever ordered the large? I wanna see it), it's definitely not cheap (I mean, I rationalize this as being equivalent to two orders of grandfather chicken and some hot and sour soup), but it's so much freakin' food! Close to two pounds of food. In case you're wondering, yes, I used a scale out of curiosity. The rice and beans were pretty standard, no better or worse than Gigi's, and the mac and cheese was also just... average, but since the ox tail is delicious beyond my feeble descriptions, it's not all that bad a deal. Would I get it all the time? Probably not. Is it worth splurging on once in a while? Fuck yeah.
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Caribbean food at Gigi & Big R

Yesterday... I had Dunkin Donut's sausage pancake bites. They don't taste awful actually, but I wouldn't say they're awesome either. Then later in the day, I also enjoyed the wonderful experience that is food poisoning (I blame DD). Why am I starting a post with commentary on the kind of crap that goes in/out of my mouth? Because over the past few hours, in which I got plenty of face time with my toilet, I got to thinking about food experiences that were unpleasant to me. I like food. I like most every kind of food. So if I find fault with something, there's probably something seriously wrong.

Like at Gigi's. Last time I had their jerk chicken... I definitely regretted it. At $7, this is pretty expensive fare coming from a truck. I have high expectations when your food costs twice as much as everyone else's. Basically, if you're gonna charge that much, your portions better be double, or it better make me feel like there's a sexy party going on in my mouth. With the jerk chicken, portions aren't an issue. The box is pretty huge, and the sides are packed down like crazy. Nope, the problem here is with the chicken. First off, it's kind of burnt (maybe it's supposed to be like that? I don't even know), so the meat is somewhat difficult to pull off, and has a charcoal-ish taste. Yum. Secondly... they don't screw around with the spices. While in 99% of cases that'd be something awesome... in this case, it's not. This shit is spicy. Seriously. Spicy enough to make you regret spending $7 on something that's not even enjoyable. Steer clear people.



To be fair... it's not all bad. Despite my previous experience, in which my tongue and stomach suffered irreparable harm, I decided to give this whole Caribbean 'soul food' thing another shot. First time I looked at their menu, I wanted to get the ox tail, but it was $9, and I didn't want to drop that many bills at once for lunch (yes I'm cheap). Last week, I decided to finally man up and just do it. As much as it hurt to pay the equivalent of 14 donuts at DD, I did it anyway. No regrets. It was legit good.



The rice was fine. The mac and cheese still rockin'. The ox tail though, was phenomenally good. While it wasn't exactly what I was expecting (soft and tender beef that falls off the bone) it was excellent in its very own way. The meat pulls off in chunks, but remain partially attached to the tail bones by connective tissue. Seasoned an appropriate amount this time, the beef is succulent and flowing in juices, but what makes gnawing at the segments of bone the most enjoyable... is definitely the massive chunks of cartilage. They're proof that there's a higher power who loves us, and that we should be eating beef. Oh yes, it is incredible.

I still don't know how I feel about Gigi and Big R's Caribbean truck. They need to calm their prices down, since they're getting a bit out of hand, and they need to make some revisions to some of their dishes i.e. spicing the crap out of chicken, but goddamn... when they do something right, it is right.
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