Saturday, January 28, 2012

When mediocrity is okay (Schnipper's Quality Kitchen)

A picture of a napkin

It finally happened. My coworkers found my blog. Not just my coworkers... managers, my manager's manager, my manager's manager's manager. Imagine how confused I was when one of them strolled up behind my desk and brought up the fact that I basically told him to "go eat a dick." Let me tell you, very. Scared, confused, aroused, all of the above. Once I realized I couldn't backpedal fast enough to claim that some other Asian guy working at Google in NYC wrote this idiotic piece of work (why the fuck did I put my picture on here?) - and finally accepted the fact that people could now read intimate and oddly specific embarrassing details about my life + that I now inevitably have to switch teams - I found myself thinking "shit son, if only my blog was a mediocre piece of crap, no one would ever find it. If only..."* Hey, that's just like Schnipper's Quality Kitchen! Despite the name, it's not nearly as dope as they'd want you to believe. They make an assload of different things - from burgers to hot dogs to mac and cheese. I wouldn't say any of them give me uncomfortable erections, but it's okay - because when it's a dish like mac and cheese with sloppy joe filling and a side of maple syrup dipping sauce? Well fuck it, it doesn't have to be good.

Mac and Joe

Look at all that cheese, ground up meats of questionable origins, and other quality shiz. Also breadcrumbs. Bitches love breadcrumb topping. I can't think of many things that make me more excited than a sauce on noodles with meat. Okay, so maybe that's a really low barrier to things that get me excited - but Schnipper's does a decent job with this dish. The mac and cheese is certainly better than what you would get out of a box of Easy Mac, but probably falls short of the fancier ish you might get at S'Mac. Average is average is average, but when you pair a cheesy confection of carbs with a heaping serving of sloppy joe, you can't qualify things simply by how good the components are - the combination of transcends simple addition. If you can, ask for some maple syrup dipping sauce (they have it for their sweet potato fries) to pour over this shit. Savory sweet tones of beef and Canada yo.

Simple burger

They also make some bullshit burger. It looks great, but calm your tits. I'm just a really good photographer (haha, sorry - I'm making a lot of asinine statements tonight). I wouldn't get it, but hey... if you're drunk and you want a burger, it's probably okay. I can't really think of anything good to say about it. It's slightly better than McDonald's I guess, but I'd also rather get two Big Macs of debatable quality. At this level, it's all about value, and McDonald's probably wins.

Sweet potato fries

Dope ass sweet potato fries. Every single time I'm given the option between regular fries and sweet potato fries, I default to the latter. I feel like it's healthier for some reason. Then they give you maple syrup dipping sauce and the illusion is busted. Schnipper's sweet potato fries certainly don't scream quality - they're probably no better than you're standard bar fries - but the theme remains true, pair them with some stupid-ass dipping sauce and all of a sudden these crispy and hot sticks of mediocrity morph into something magically acceptable. Would I beat up 20 midgets to get a cup of them? Maybe. Is that a scenario I see playing out in my head? Definitely. Will it ever happen in real life? Probably not.

tl;dr - I made my blog too awesome and my coworkers found it. I should be ashamed, but I am surprisingly not. My career ceiling has been effectively set by them knowing I'm actually an idiot though. Should've been more mediocre... like Schnipper's. They make pretty good mac and cheese + sloppy joe filling. Ask for maple syrup dipping sauce regardless of what you order. Slather that shit on everything. Rub it on your clothing, it doubles as cologne.

Schnipper's Quality Kitchen
620 8th Avenue, New York, NY 10018


*disclaimer: I don't actually think this. I really just needed a way to segue into describing Schnipper's...

5 comments:

PY said...

I really like this post because of too many reasons which are too long to be said here. Of course, I avoid putting up my picture and guard my identity fiercely on my blog just in case one day it gets a fraction of the awesomeness of yours.

Rodzilla said...

Sure you might have some awkward times at work, but think of the traffic!

now for the food, was maple syrup dipping sauce just standard issue fake maple syrup?

Anonymous said...

Très bien fait! (insert image of standing ovation) <--- sincere, dude.

Also, a belated HAPPY ANNIVERSARY on your blog!

:)

Danny said...

haha oh man. i would FREAK OUT if my boss's boss's boss found my blog. he'd probably fire me on the spot. he's that kinda dude. haha. and that chili + mac and cheese does look seriously dope.

Nicholas said...

PY - thanks! Although I was kidding about the awesomeness part. My blog fails pretty hard in the grand scheme of things. Good news though, my manager's manager's manager is no longer my manager's manager's manager. He just happens to be another blog reader in my company :)

Rodzilla - haha not that much traffic came from it! Maple syrup dipping sauce is not just fake maple syrup. Hard to explain, but it has a certain milky complexion. I'm pretty sure it's mixed with cream at some point (or possibly mayo).

Anonymous - MULTI-CULTURAL CONGRATULATIONS. Thanks! Three years and... going not so strong ;)

Danny - chili + mac and cheese will happen for lunch or dinner one of these days. There's a location conveniently in between our offices.

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