Monday, July 18, 2011

Roast pork and butthole pleasures (Wah Fung No. 1 Fast Food)

So much pork

Here's a somewhat difficult to answer question: how much is good tasting food worth to you? I realize there's a few different ways you can qualify the cost of food, whether it's monetary value, distance traveled, or wait time... but let me offer you another way of quantifying the cost of a meal - your health. Now I'm not talking about getting herpes from eating a sandwich or anything drastic like that, what I mean is... would you eat something that's breathtakingly delicious if it meant that there was a 50/50 chance you'd also get a free side of mudbutt? This is the dilemma that plagues me about Wah Fung's roast pork over rice. It's a dish that has a lot going for it... it's cheap, it's plenty filling, and tastes delightfully sexual - satisfying me in ways that only pork can - but it has a menacing side to it as well. The same gloopy grease that makes this dish taste oh-so-good also has a tendency to "unleash the warrior within." Some real black swan shit going down.

Listen, if you enjoy having full control of your rectal muscles, then maybe Wah Fung's roast pork over rice isn't your thing. Not me though, I like living life dangerously, and if it means I get to put some dope-ass Chinese roast pork in my mouth while doing it - that's just icing on the cake. Remember, according to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, "life is about love and passion... it is not about the butthole pleasures," and I am positively smitten with Wah Fung's pork over rice.

Best deal ever

Before I continue creaming myself over this dish, there is one thing that annoys me. The price. I probably sound like an asshole complaining about something that costs $3, and maybe I am, but I am absolutely livid with this change. When I was still a wee undergrad at Columbia a few years ago, this shit cost $2.50. Yeah. The cost-value function was insane. Then all of a sudden it was $2.75. Now it's $3? Pretty soon it's going to cost $3.25. I don't know how I'd feel about that... probably hurt and lonely. Definitely devastated.

Choppin' some pork

I guess I should probably talk about the food now. For $3, this dude right here will fill a small aluminum box and shove it full of rice. I'm sure at some point the rice is/was fluffy, but he packs that shit in tighter than an FCC lattice (can't get no more efficient than that bro). Then he takes some cabbage and broccoli and layers it on one side... I guess to make people think they're eating a well-balanced meal (it's really not). Whatever, those are trivial details... it's at this point that mr. pork goes apeshit. He'll pull slabs of meat out from a tray that's filled with the honey/grease sauce and go "Yan Can Cook" on it. Surprisingly... he still possesses all 10 of his fingers. The box gets padded with a 1" thick layer of pork and finished with a ladle full of sauce (read: grease). It is basically a brick's weight of rice and meat in a to-go container. It is beautiful, and it is a spectacle to behold, I swear.

Roast pork

If you've never had Chinese roast pork before... you're missing out. You really are. While I can't actually tell you how it's made, I can tell you that it's some pretty sick stuff. If I had to rate it on a scale of awesome from 1 to 10, it would be past bacon. That's how good it is. As for what it is? It's usually a fairly fat cut of meat that gets roasted until the fat renders off and crisps the skin, it's normally coated in some sort of sweet oily concoction that can only be described as magical, and it's almost always red. Don't ask me why, I don't know... it just is. In the end it really doesn't matter, Chinese roast pork has a certain sweet savory complex that delivers a disgustingly rich flavor profile all at a very reasonable price.

So back to the question at hand... is the juice worth the squeeze? Oh yes.

Wah Fung No. 1 Fast Food
79 Chrystie St # A, New York, NY 10002

14 comments:

Ben said...

I do love my chinese roast pork, if it ain't red it ain't good.

It's almost worth the mudbutt to me too - almost. I've been trying to keep my bowels intact lately.

Stephanie said...

I'm guessing that mesmerized onlooker in the third picture is Robyn peering longingly into the window? Haha, her expression is priceless!

bionicgrrrl said...

Oh snap, it happened to you too and you went back?! You are brave my friend. Love the pic of Robyn peeking through the window. Adorable.

Kim @CoffeePotChronicles.com said...

I get the occasional case of mudbutt from eating Chipotle. And for me, it's oh so worth it.

And if this is so damn good it surpasses bacon then my happy ass (no pun intended) needs to try this. Now uh, who's going to fly me to NYC just to sample the goods?

Foodtographer said...

I just want to see Mr. Pork go apeshit. Then sample the goods and prepare to "Ride the Thunderbucket".

Nicholas said...

Ben - almost? It's def worth it to me. I actually get sick like half the time, but I still go back (because I'm an idiot).

Stephanie - yep that is she.

bionicgrrrl - you haven't gone back since? The price thing miffs me a little bit more than the actual digestion issues that result from eating it. LOL I think Robyn was more just bored that the wait time was so long than looking lustingly towards the pork.

Kim - Chipotle is one of my guilty pleasures. I know I can probably get higher quality burritos elsewhere, but goddamn they're so convenient.

Uh, don't take what I said at face value. For me this kicks the shit out of plain jane bacon any day of the week, but I don't know that most would agree with me?

Foodtographer - can't see it. You just see his hands go in a blur then suddenly you have a box full of roast pork. Mad impressive. Thunderbucket sounds like a fun ride.

Danny said...

love this place. what i don't like about this place is the rate at which the line moves. i think mister 10 fingers there does everything himself while his wife sells other shit in the back. i don't even know if people buy the other shit. it seems like everyone just goes for this. they gotta make that line go faster!

Eftychia said...

This recipe looks delicious! Thanks for sharing.

Hungry said...

You'd be king if you ask for the fattier pieces. Oh yes, I certainly do.

Rodzilla said...

The bowel distress is all frame of mind - embrace it, enjoy it.

You've gotta ease up on the price point - homeboy is serving you a literal brick of deliciousness, charging under $5, and he can't even afford sleeves.

Now a question on the comments of this post. What are the chances that Eftychia actually read anything?

Nicholas said...

Eftychia - I know right? Good thing I don't know jack shit about cooking.

Hungry - I'm afraid to here. If I say I want fattier pieces, he's just going to dice up chunks of fat.

Rodzilla - he can't afford sleeves? SON HE DON'T NEED SLEEVES. They'd probably rip when he goes hulk smash on that pork anyway.

Feisty Foodie said...

What's it say about me that this post just makes me want to go there more?

Also, please include addresses so people like me can stalk people like you. Sheesh.

Su-Lin said...

I'm totally craving roast pork on rice right now.

Also, you crack me up!

Nicholas said...

Feisty Foodie - finnnnneeeeeee I'll start including addresses. Also this post says you'll probably enjoy growing old and losing control of your bowels as much as I will. Ahh, adult diapers.

Su-Lin - always craving that. Borderline addiction :D.

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