It is not good. The end. No seriously, everyone's always going on and on about how awesome the Five Guys burger is, saying shit like "Imma let you finish, but Five Guys has the best fast food burger... of all time." No. Just stop. If you're one of those people, I'd like you to take just a few seconds to stop sniffing your whiteout and honestly tell me the burger you see above looks delicious. Because you'd have to be high on something stupid if that looks good to you. Maybe Five Guys used to be something incredible, maybe it used to be better, but let's be honest, the Hamburglar probably wouldn't even want to steal the miserable thing you see above.
OH NOES, Let me run down everything that's wrong with that burger. When I was unwrapping my ball of aluminum foil, I realized that the guy making the burgers was none other than Edward Norton, hit star of such films such as "Fight Club" and "American History X." How do I know this? Because he Hulk smashed the shit out of my sandwich, transforming a spongy light bun into a ball of condensed matter. It took a lot of effort to make that photo look less pitiful than it tasted... and I'm pretty sure I still failed. It'd be great if that's where my fail-sandwich ended, but then I bit into what I think were the mushrooms. They were like tiny little rubbery erasers exploding with the taste of bland in my mouth. And then there was the cheese. I didn't think it was possible to fuck up prepackaged sliced cheese, but when you fail to melt it on a "FRESHLY MADE BURGER," something's wrong. The culmination of sadness was with the patty. It was cooked to oblivion and clearly falling apart (this might've been directly related to the Hulk's handling of my sandwich). Seriously? People get pissed off at doughnut burgers, but love this stuff?
People have also told me that Five Guys fills a cup with fries... then shovels more to fill the bag. No. That also did not happen. I had a cup of fries with maybe 10 or so spilling over into the bag. They were also kind of cold. To be fair, they would've been fantastic if they were fresh from the fryer, but alas... they were not.
Inevitably, someone will tell me that I had a bad experience, and that I should give them another try. I probably will, but first impressions count big, and Five Guys screwed up royally.