Sunday, April 7, 2013

My Kryptonite (Girl Scout cookies)

A full box of Samoas

Aside from bullets, they are my only weakness. Actually that's not true, I also have a debilitating fear of cockroaches, swimming, and public speaking... but Girl Scout cookies are definitely up there when it comes to things that scare the living shit out of me. I know, you're probably thinking - "you asshat! How can you be scared of delicious delicious baked goods sold by smiling little girls covered in flair pins?" That's a very good question. Superficially, Girl Scouts are innocent and harmless creatures who are learning about life skills and philanthropy by selling boxes of buttery delights, but underneath that perfect image of civility is the devil in disguise. They are harbingers of evil! Every year around this time, they storm around the suburbs and they terrorize every former fat person's dreams. These beret-toting crusaders go out peddling $4 boxes of heart-disease and poverty, leaving strong men broken and crying in their wake. Do I hate them? Oh yes I do. They deserve a special place in Hell for the torment they bring me... yet, I also have inexplicable love for the overpriced bites of shame they deliver. I swear... Girl Scout cookies must be laced with crack.

Girl Scout Cookies

See that girl on the right wearing the fireman's helmet? She could burn down your house and no one would even know. That girl on the left in the tire swing? You think she's smiling because she's having fun? No, she's smiling because she knows she can jack up your cholesterol and there's nothing you can do to stop her. When was the last time you had a Thin Mint and stopped at one? Maybe one box. You never just have one. You know how many calories are in that box? Doesn't matter. While the amount of shame you gain by crushing an entire box of cookies in 10 minutes is certainly significant, it's also proportional to how goddamn addictive those motherfuckers are.

Tagalong box

And her! In her little kayak, smiling fiendishly. She could drown you in that lake and no one would be the wiser, but instead - she delivers boxes of death to your doorstep and you gladly give her money to do so. The sudden realization that Girl Scout cookies are like cigarettes feelsbadman.jpg.


Eat cat shit Tagalongs. There are few things in the world I like more than peanut butter. Back in college, I'd routinely go ape shit on jars of Peanut Butter & Co's 'Chocolate Dreams,' crushing a single container and a loaf of Wonderbread (RIP) in a single sitting. Tagalongs are basically the same thing as 'Chocolate Dreams,' but instead of bread, now you have vanilla shortbread. It's like some sort of sick twist of a peanut butter sandwich invented by Paula Deen. Seriously, how much more sadistic can you get? You might as well inject butter into my veins and call it a day.

Singular Samoa

Have you ever had a Samoa? Caramel, coconut, chocolate, and pure sex. There's no separation of flavors, there's no subtlety, there's just thick and overpowering sweetness with a hint of texture from the coconut. Mashing one up in your mouth is about the most gratifying experience you can have, but you know what's better? Going at it twenty times in a row. The problem? The serving size is two. Two freakin' cookies. What sort of Herculean asshat are you if you can stop after two?! This shit probably stands at the top of my list of great sins, but I can easily throw down 2+ boxes at once. I think that's somewhere in the neighborhood of 30+ grams of sweet sweet saturated fats in an hour. Like I said, Girl Scouts - biggest scumbag Steves in the world.

What's the point of this post? I want everyone to see the evil that is the Girl Scouts of America. Sure, it's a wonderful program for youth that focuses on building character, but at what cost? I know I'm powerless against their devilishly delicious campaigning, and you all are too... I just wanted to bring to light the real life horror story that are: Tagalongs, Thin Mints, Samoas, and a cadre of other death biscuits.

tl;dr - Girl Scouts are secretly assholes. Assholes who peddle death one $4 box of cookies at a time. Beware, they are everywhere.


Rodzilla said...

hahaha, there are worse ways to die.

Nicholas said...

Rodzilla - yeah I guess so, but they're still tiny adorable punks who deal death in the form of butter and flour.

Anonymous said...

I loathe Girl Scout Cookies! Because back in the olden days when I was a Girl Scout, we had to go door-to-door and harass people who pretended they weren't at home. I would only sell about 10 boxes--all to my Mother. Of course, one good thing about the cookies, you only paid $1.00 for a box and you got more!

Zoe said...

There are great!

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