Friday, August 17, 2012

Animal Style - long overdue (In-N-Out)

In-N-Out sign

Oh my goodness. Oh my dayum, dayumm, dayummm. This is a man that feels passionately about food... and ghetto grocery bags, evidently. This is a man that loves Five Guys' so much that he would take one of their burgers to the parking lot behind a middle school and get it pregnant. This is a man that whose unhealthily arousal for Five Guys' cheeseburgers can only be rivaled by the amount of plaque building up inside his arteries. This man is a man's man, a role model, and some sort of sexual icon... to someone I guess. Aside from the fact that the video is hilarious, I've watched over and over again wondering - "when was the last time I felt this strongly about a burger... anywhere?" The short answer is never. I don't think I've ever actually creamed myself at the thought of a beef patty in between buns, but then again, I've never had a fry that bites back at me. The closest I've come in recent memory? Probably In-N-Out. Six years of burger hype in the making. Did they go "H.A.M.?"

Balanced and complete lunch

Fuck son. They didn't just go "hard as a motherfucker," they went full retard (in a good way). While they don't deliver your food in a "ghetto grocery bag," that doesn't really diminish the experience. I'm not sure why exactly you'd want your meal to come in a crappy brown bag, but that guy probably knows something I don't. Look at how balanced that meal is. In-N-Out burger (Animal Style), fries (Animal Style), and a Neapolitan shake, which - for the record - was out of this world delicious. Weirdly enough, each of the flavors keeps perfectly distinct (if you don't stir that shit vigorously). As you sip your brain into a minor freeze, you'll hit a layer of chocolate, a layer of vanilla, and a layer of strawberry. Segregation never tasted so good.


"Get yourself a double cheeseburger" he says? That's some weak-ass shit I say. Triple-triple... minimum. Look at cheese, it's definitely oozin', but there's something more about the construction that's so mesmerizing. A well toasted plain generic bun is rather forgettable on its own, but sodomize it with a thick base of crunchy pickles, a hearty slice of tomato, minimal lettuce bullshit to get in the way, and a tower of beef cemented together with fried mustard, grilled onions, and alternating layers of cheese - holy amazeballs, the sensation is not unlike that feeling you get when taking off your pants as soon as you get home. Almost... liberating.

Something that was vaguely confusing about his review. Daym Drops claims that a weak burger is a burger "you can chew and still talk." He proceeds to describe a strong burger as a burger where "the meat just absorbs all the space and all the air possible all in your throat to the point that if you wanted to start talkin' nothin' but mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm is comin out." That's poetic as fuck, but did he just suggest that a strong burger is one that kills you by suffocation? If this is the criteria for a 'strong' burger, then sorry... you will be disappointed with the In-N-Out offerings. If you want something to dine on and talk with friends though... get this shit (if you live on the West coast).

Animal style fries

Unfortunately, when you bite these fries, they don't bite back. Not sure why the hell you'd want violent fries to begin with, but these are pretty plain Jane. Only after a bukkake of Animal Style sauce and cheese does this serving actually get elevated into special status. If you're not an idiot like I am, you'll eat these while they're fresh. Why? Because if you take 10 minutes to photograph your food, you'll end up with a dip-shit demented wad of congealed fried potato, cheese, grilled onions, and drippy dressing. Sure, that sounds eerily appealing, but trust me - shoving a giant wad of fried starch is not as delicious as it sounds. My uncomfortable arousal quickly faded into general discomfort of the heart. Blah.

In closing, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to convey here. I started off this post thinking about foods that get me hot and bothered, and if I've ever have a weirdly sexual experience like that dude did about Five Guys'. The short boring answer is, "no." What I did come to realize is how much I enjoy In-N-Out, and how much I'm looking forward to going back. A lot of people talk about Shake Shack vs. In-N-Out, or some other burger - and basically, a lot of people need to shut the fuck up. They're all good, but what sets In-N-Out apart is the fact that it's a fast food franchise that's so goddamn delicious and consistent, and the fact that this is scalable makes me pop a proverbial mind-boner.

tl;dr - I have never been as aroused about eating a burger as the bro in that video. He gives me hope that there are great things to look forward to when it comes to food. In-N-Out is pretty much as close as I've come (that's what she said?) from eating a burger in a long time. Their burger is an engineering marvel and their business plan is some sort of black magic. I like racist shakes.

All over the place in CA,
Fuck you West coast peeps.


Rodzilla said...

That's a champions order, I love it. Did you happen to notice how ridiculously friendly In-N-Out employees are? I'm 99% sure the chain is staffed solely with happy mother-fuckers.

I hear having the fries well done helps things, but honestly I don't think they're anything special. Hate to say it, but McDs still reigns supreme.

"A lot of people talk about Shake Shack vs. In-N-Out, or some other burger - and basically, a lot of people need to shut the fuck up." Couldn't agree more.

Anonymous said...

[Did you happen to notice how ridiculously friendly In-N-Out employees are? I'm 99% sure the chain is staffed solely with happy mother-fuckers.]

My experience with happy mother-fuckers is

a. The name is accurate, and you (and your Mother) better watch you a--;
b. They are idiots or using some sort of chemical; or,
c. They have their hand on your wallet.

Just sayin... :-)

Anonymous said...

Question: so if I were to spot you in the cafeteria and came running up to you like you were the inventor of the Popeye's Spicy recipe (stark raving mad fan - well, not really, I'm a bit more composed) and wanted to say "hello - love your blog" in person would you:
a) drop tray of thoughtfully collected lunch #2 and run
b) think, dayum, "this is an outer-fatty" if ever I saw one
c) kindly sign my to-go container with some kind words

don't worry, I won't approach, but wanted to say, encore, s'il vous plait, post more! I understand if you can't go out and eat (why bother when you can eat for free?) so then can't you take photos of your office meals and comment on that? Meh, I guess that might piss "Chef" off.

Also, another place that has pretty good burgers and fries and shakes a la the image above that doesn't get as much recognition and is cheap is Petey's burger in LIC -- those fries, with all the onion mush, and dressing, even when cold, yeah man, it does it still.

I think Five Guys gets too soggy too fast - not a fan of their fries even if I am a staunch supporter of shit fried in peanut oil and their burgers are just a little too greasy.

Oh, and bukkake? Hilarious. Though, doesn't it look more like . . . sorry, must censor self.
Please post more! :-)

Nicholas said...

Rodzilla - those motherfuckers ARE happy. I think it's because they actually pay them decently. Also they work at In-N-Out. I'd Animal Style in my mouth during lunchbreaks all the time.

Anonymous - c. can't be the correct answer here. McDonald's also has their hand on your wallet and they're some of the angriest fuckers out there.

Anonymous Googler - do it! Although jokes on you, I rarely eat in the cafeteria! I can assure you that:

a) wouldn't happen. I don't like wasting food.
b) wouldn't happen. I understand the ways of the outer fatty, and Google keeps inching me back towards it :).
c) wouldn't happen. My blog ain't famous enough for that shiz yet.

I once thought about posting about my google meals, if only the sandwiches (can't stop eating 5bb sandwiches...), but yeah - I fear legal backlash.

If you do see me in the cafeteria, please do say hi though!

Nicholas said...

Anonymous - well I'm Asian... so there goes that theory.

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