Sunday, December 25, 2011

Spicy-ass noodles (Xi'an Famous Foods)

Xi'an Famous Foods storefront

Well, well, well... it would appear that my blog has turned three years old. Hooray me. In internet age, that's like reaching mid-life crisis stage (which is eerily appropriate considering I actually don't know what the fuck I want to do with it). To the assholes who said that my ADD would kick in and that I would stop after a few months... you can eat a dick. To the people who decided they wanted to hear an idiot blather on and on about Asian food every week, you're welcome (and thanks too, I guess). For the record, I have learned nothing from writing this blog for the past three years aside from that fact that I'm stingy as shit and I like Asian food, and I'm pretty sure I've contributed nothing of value to the greater internet. Merry Christmas I guess.

So what am I going to write about on this momentous occasion? Clearly something that sticks to the roots of this blog... something that fits these criteria: cheap, Asian, and a butthole pleasure. The spicy hot oil-seared noodles from Xi'an Famous Foods kinda fits all of requirement - it's moderately cheap (although kind of expensive given the location), it's definitely Asian, and trust me... it's as much a hoot comin' out as it is when you first eat it. Trust me.

Spicy hot oil-seared noodles

Look... it's red and green. Like Christmas or something?

I think most people go to Xi'an Famous Foods for the Liang Pi Cold Noodles. That's great and all, but I'll be entirely honest - it feels like kind of a ripoff to go to a restaurant and to get cold noodles. That shit is straight appetizer fodder and would cost less than a dollar if I were in the motherland. Plus it's vegetarian. That's three strikes yo. If you're going to serve me a cold dish, it better comprise of something that was alive at one point. Weak shit. Plus, why would I get cold vegetarian noodles when I could get something that would melt my face off upon eating, and obliterate my butthole on exit. That right there is quality (and what I look for in noodles, but definitely not in romance yo*). Also it looks festive as a motherfucker. Look at all that red and green shit. It's almost as if Santa were Chinese or something. There's nothing really complex about this dish at all - I'm pretty sure it's only comprised of those same bouncy-ass noodles, some scallions and garlic type additions, and a healthy dousing of chili oil - but when the powers that be combine those components in an synergistic orgy of flavors... holy shit is it delicious. Yes, there's a distinct lack of meat, but whatever. It's not like your tongue would be able to taste it anyway.

Cumin lamb + hand torn noodles

This was less awesome, but still okay. Which is surprising because it contains meat. Maybe it's because I'm not the biggest fan of lamb, but this dish was pretty uninspiring to me. Which, again, is weird because it's pretty much the same thing as above... but with lamb and cumin instead of red chili oil. Perhaps that red liquid is like crack or something, but there was something infinitely more impressive about not being able to feel my face after eating. I could still feel my lips after eating this dish, so I'll consider it a fail in general. Others would probably enjoy it. To be entirely fair, I think I just hate cumin - so maybe you shouldn't listen to me on this one (or at all). My god how I hate cumin.

Spicy cumin lamb burger

Likewise, I feel like their cumin lamb burger thing is kinda gimmicky. Not that it's bad by any stretch of the imagination - just that it's not something I'd obsess and lose sleep over. The blend of flavors is pretty distinct - and again, the cumin is probably what turns me off - but there's a certain pungency and strength that I could see being somewhat alluring. I guess the bread/bun thing is pretty dope, but if that's the strongest case I can make for a dish... then that's pretty sad. That's not to say that you might not find this to be the most sensual thing to come from Xi'an... I just hate cumin with a passion.

In closing? I'm not sure what the point of this post really is. I felt obligated to write something because it was my blogiversary, not because I got a sudden writing boner. I rarely get that kind of inspiration at all anymore (I guess you could say I have food blogging erectile dysfunction?). Is my blog going through a midlife crisis? Yeah. Maybe I should eat spicier things to enrage my rectum to rekindle the flames of intensely passionate and violent food writing. That's how it works right?

tl;dr - my blog is three years old. Fuck yeah me. Also, if you go to Xi'an famous foods - get the spicy hot oil-seared noodles... they'll numb your face if you're cold and light your butthole on fire. That's twice the value for the cost of one meal. Best deal ever.

Xi'an Famous Foods (multiple locations)
67 Bayard Street, New York, NY 10013


Anonymous said...

Happy anniversary! I'm a lurker, but I just wanted to drop a line on this momentous occasion and let you know that I found your blog this past year and it's definitely one of my favorites. It's very, VERY rare that a food blog generates snorts, chuckles and actual out-loud laughter, but yours achieves it with aplomb! Congrats and keep up the informative (and hilarious) work!

Ben said...

Mmm, cumin. I'm a fan of the cumin lamb personally, and that sandwich looks bomb. Can't say I'm big on getting my buthole scorched out though...

And happy anniversary indeed!

Rodzilla said...

Congrats! Keep the entertainment coming.
-your biggest bro-fan

Unknown said...

Xi'an famous foods is definitely on my list. Thanks for the hysterical post. And I know what you mean - others thought I would give up on my blog too b/c of my ADD but alas it still exists since launching it 3.5 years ago. It's our love of fatty things that keep things going!

Nicholas said...

Anonymous - thanks! Even though I failed my Asian roots and said it was four years when it was only three... I'll try not to let the shame get to me and continue writing.

Ben - scorched butthole, it's the new thing in 2012. Everyone's doing it.

Rodzilla - DITTO. Eat more Ben & Jerry's so I don't have to sample crappy flavors.

Dani - go to the one in Flushing... it's cheaper haha.

James said...

"Have you met my friend Nick? He's cheap, Asian and a butthole pleasure."

Nicholas said...

James - that is not an effective pickup line. I tried introducing myself like that, and I think I just creep girls out. Sigh.

Patrick - I'm not a fan of their pricing scheme, but I like their noodles a lot. I like a lubed butthole, but that's just me.

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