This is going to sound awful, but growing up my parents always told me I was kind of dumb. I guess every Asian parent does that to "motivate" their kids to work harder, but I think mine were actually serious. Admittedly, I am a kid who once ate five bowls of rice and proceeded to puke all over the table because I "didn't know I was full yet," so I guess I can't really blame 'em for calling me out on it. You'd think after 23 years of fulfilling life experiences, I'd have gotten even a little bit smarter, but then I go and do something dumb like eat four pounds of god-awful curry. Good news everyone! Nothing has changed, I am still eating like a
dumbass champion! Basically I shove food in my mouth with zero regard for my own wellbeing. Case in point... Jake's Sandwich Board. A place that makes a ghost pepper laced steak sandwich.
Listen, you can't seriously put a "ghost pepper steak sandwich" on your menu and expect me not to be intrigued. That's basically the same thing as putting something on your menu called "are you a bitch?" I will not have my honor (which apparently to my demented self is the same thing as my mouth's threshold for pain) be insulted. Well Jake's... I called your bluff. Show me your worst. Make me cry with the swiftness of a coursing river and the force of a great typhoon... make my butt hole burn with the strength of a raging fire i.e. make a man out of me.
So what exactly goes into this magical sandwich with the capability of pulling a "Hiroshima" on my rectum? Well it starts innocent enough. Jake's does make a plain steak sandwich, called the "Jake," which just has steak, provolone, fried onions, and roasted peppers. If that's too tame for you, they have the "Fire Steak," an abomination that adds mushrooms and a house blend of "fire sauce" to the mix. Oh, and they fry the fuck out of the peppers. Then there's the "Ghost Pepper Steak." If you thought the "Fire Steak" sounds like child's play, then you should probably step up your game and go with this variant... which is the exact same thing, but with 20 drops of ghost chili extract added to the mix.
In my mind, 20 drops ain't shit. Even though they say that the ghost chili is 400 times hotter on the Scoville scale than a habanero, I quantified this as 8000 drops of hot sauce. In a moment that I am less than proud of... I once drank multiple bottles of hot sauce on a dare, so how bad could this be? My guess - not that bad. It's a good thing I'm not actually working as a chemical engineer, because apparently I learned nothing in college. Shit doesn't scale linearly. Ever. Scoville... what an asshole, getting me with his pseudo-science.
As I was shoved mouthful after mouthful of capsaicin doped steak in my mouth - with tears (very manly tears) streaming down my face - all I could think about was how dumb and painful this whole endeavor was. I just paid $9 for something that I wasn't even enjoying. To consider this from another point of view, I just paid an extra $2 to take something ridiculously delicious, a plain cheesesteak, and asked the guys behind the counter to turn it into a sandwich of pure pain. I felt like a dumbass. Want to know how it tasted? Basically you're chewing on fire flavored bread and beef. Now you're probably curious what fire tastes like? Like humiliation, that's what. When I shamefully walked to the counter to order a milkshake to quench my shame, the line cook asked me if I was crying. Not wanting to appear weak, I told him I was weeping because "it tasted too good." Deep down, he knew I was lying. I hate you sir, for exposing me in my moment of weakness.
As for the aftermath... know how rappers are always talking about their game and how they "spit fire?" Guess what? I'm not so impressed. I just did that with my asshole... and I wasn't even trying. Double the pain, double the pleasure I guess? I'm actually not sure which was worse, in or out. I should probably stop writing about exorcising my bowel demons now.
Now for that shake... it was actually the candied bacon milkshake they were advertising right below the ghost pepper steak sign. To be honest, it wasn't the greatest thing in the world. It was pretty thin and tasted mostly like plain vanilla ice cream, but when my tongue was screaming bloody murder, I would've paid any amount of money for it. The bacon bits are there for sure, but they kind of just coalesce at the base of the cup. I thought it was delicious and well worth $4 (when purchased with a sandwich), but that's probably a decision I made in the "heat of the moment." Shut up... I like puns.