Thursday, September 15, 2011

Mooncakes, I eat them (Kwong Wah Cake Co)


Know what those bitches are? Of course you do. Those are fucking mooncakes. Look at that shit... there's two of them gettin' all intimate on that plate. Goddamn. You might be wondering (if you're not Asian) - "what the fuck are mooncakes?" Let me lay down some truth on you. They're only the greatest thing to happen to Asia since fireworks, paper, and possibly even Mulan too. So check it, Chinese people like putting things inside of things: pork inside of dough, carbs inside of carbs, meat inside of egg , rice inside of squid... holy shit those bitches will put anything inside anything ಠ_ಠ . Some bro-dude in the olden times decided that it'd be a dope idea to put some egg yolk inside of some sweet-ass paste inside of some golden brown crust for some legitimately sensual three-way action. Apparently then they made up some wack-ass reasons to eat them to beat up on the Mongols. Not that I care. It just gives me an excuse to buy boxes of this stuff without being judged.

They're filled!

Pure sex. All yellow and loaded with cholesterol and other good shit. Fuck.

Look at that. Starting with the outside, you have a hella flaky layer of what's basically pure lard and flour. Mix that shit together and bake till golden. Brush it with egg... or something. Aww yeah. Then you have a thick layer of lotus paste (or whatever your heart desires really). That's basically nothing more than ground up beans mixed with sugar. Also more lard. Can't have enough lard. What would a mooncake be without a core of solid yellow egg yolk. Shitty. That's what. Combine all parts of the equation and you get a puck of culinary brilliance. A celebratory cake that actually tastes good (unlike those nasty fruitcakes white people send around at Christmas).

The only problem is... these bitches are expensive as hell. Chinese people are shrewd business people - possibly as cunning as Jewish people. They know that every year, without fail, there will be a steady stream of old ladies rampaging their doors asking for mooncakes like Godzilla raping Tokyo with morning wood. Demand dictates price, and with essentially infinite demand, they can charge whatever the hell they want. Sometimes you see boxes of four cakes going for $50. Who do they think they are? Ladurée? Bitch please, I'm not made of money. I can't pay $12.50 per mooncake no matter how delicious it is. Solution? Go to Kwong Wah Cake Co. They sell them individually there, and even the "super deluxe lotus seed with egg" option - yes that's really the name - is only $4.50. To be honest, they're not that far off from the super classy stuff I had in Taiwan when I was a kid. Not too bad for under $5.

What's the point of this post? I'm not really sure. I ate some mooncakes on Monday to celebrate this bootleg holiday that I know nothing about, and I just thought that I'd share how delicious these things were with the world. Actually, you know what you should do now that the mid-Autumn festival is over? Go buy yourself some cheap-ass mooncakes. They're delicious regardless occasion. Do it.

Kwong Wah Cake Co
210 Grand St, New York, NY 10013


chris said...

why haven't you made me eat these before?

Ben said...

I think I am doing my fellow Asians a horrid dishonor here when I say that I dislike mooncake. Something about the texture, the flavor, and just the mooncake in general doesn't sit right with me at all.

Hungry said...

Someone told me that they used to hide notes and messages in these cakes.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha man do I love your blog :)

Danny said...

what? you buy them one at a time? i need to go buy one then. haven't had one yet this year.

Nicholas said...

chris - I don't know. I have them every year. I just don't tell you guys.

Ben - wtf. Wtf bro. The texture, the flavor, and the mooncake in general are all sexual to me.

Patrick - debatable. Not sure I want to debate that topic since no one really wins the argument, but it's probably a coin toss.

Johnny - ASSHOLES! I like to sneak them in on my body. I guess that wouldn't work with the stupid frisking now.

Hungry - yep, Wiki confirms this! Or maybe Chinese people are full of shit. Either or. Both are equally likely.

Anonymous - Thanks! I try... if you can call it 'trying.'

Danny - I'm not made of money! Those boxes can get expensive. Next moon festival, we're splitting costs. To 'sample' different flavors.

Anonymous said...

family friend told me that customs once tried to confiscate his mooncakes back in the day because they thought he was smuggling opium (red bean paste mooncake). fortunately a customs officer of Chinese descent came to the rescue and told them "it's just bean paste"

Shirley said...

NIC, long time no speak, Hope nyc is treating you well!

about the mooncake- its a good thing this bootleg holiday only comes once a year, you'll gain like 5 lbs just eating a box. True story. I used to separate the yolk and the lotus cake and eat the yolk first... that was my way of portion control. It didn't work though, totally ate the rest right after...

Nicholas said...

Anonymous - they yelled at me for having a bottle of green tea. It would've been more entertaining to see them go apeshit eating boxes of mooncakes right outside of customs haha.

Shirley - werd, kinda sorta. I like being back, but I'm not used to the idea of working yet.

That totes doesn't work, I'd eat the yolk and feel silly putting the rest of the cakes away. I'd finish everything if I saw a sad mooncake without a yolk.

Anonymous said...

Wow, your blog is offensive and you lack any writing ability, due to the foul mouthed language you use. Learn to write proper English and perhaps more people will take your crap seriously.

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